How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

I was asked this question quite a while back. Here is the answer I came up with.

The answer can only come from serious scientific inquiry. To do that we need to design an experiment to find out how much wood a woodchuck can chuck. As with any experiment, we need a control group. To get that group, I suggest putting 18 woodchucks in one burlap bag for 7-10 business days. If any come out alive, take them to a biker bar and buy them some shots. But don’t get too close, those surviving woodchucks are going to be really pissed.

Now that we have a control group (hopefully) we need to set up the experiment. I suggest taking at least five woodchucks who have an identically measured hypotenuse based on a triangle measured from the front incisors, to the epiglottis, to a Subway restaurant just outside Toledo, Ohio.

With the trial group, we need to find an excellent source of wood. I am sure there are plenty of suburban McMansions to choose from, and since they are all identically soulless, just pick any one outside a major city—but make sure the owners aren’t home, otherwise we’ll probably had a bittersweet laugh at the pub over a beer about our pending grand jury.

It’s also important to make sure the home has unsecured WiFi. Do not forget this!

Now, let the woodchucks loose on the house. Be sure to have adequate scales to handle the volume of chucked wood the woodchucks are chucking!

Finally, while the rest of the scientific team is tallying the amount of wood chucked, turn on your laptop, connect to the unsecured WiFi and Ask Jeeves.

Now all that’s left to do is doctor the results successfully enough that a peer reviewed journal doesn’t realize you are completely full of crap.

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