I attended a conference call with my friends at the Browns tonight. Since it was for Browns Backers presidents only, they were initially only accepting questions via email. Since I’m a particularly inquisitive guy, I thought I’d send them my questions in advance so they’d have a few moments to mull them over.
Here are the sixteen burning off-season questions I submitted to the Browns:
1. The Browns have had 20 starting quarterbacks since 1999. In contrast, the United States has had only 44 presidents in 237 years. Have you considered scrapping training camp and replacing it with an open primary to determine our next signal caller?
2. Clock management has been a serious problem for the Browns over the last decade. Have you considered hiring Doctor Who as our next coach?
3. As you continue to strengthen your commitment to environmental sustainability, have you considered signing another player named Richardson and assigning him number 33 to reduce downstream jersey waste management?
3B. Or at least a Johnson with #85? I’d like my dad to feel relevant again.
4. Considering Buster Skrine’s improvement this season, have you considered cloning him to resolve our secondary issues?
5. If Train A travels from Cleveland to New Jersey at 75 MPH, how many years will it take for us to make the playoffs?
6. After a particularly stressful first round of the draft, I find that chicken fingers make an excellent comfort food. Does this work for you?
7. Have you considered getting the hardworking guys on our defensive line a Groupon? You know, for a spa day or something nice.
8. I know I said I would, but I don’t actually have to commit Seppuku if the Browns make the Super Bowl? Right?
9. When I’m yelling at the TV at Mackenzie’s Pub in Minneapolis, Minnesota can you hear me? If yes, I’m a little concerned the profanity might be harming American children.
10. If you see Mike Pagel around, tell him I said hello. I’ve never met him. I just think that would be nice.
11. It was a lot of fun watching Herschel Walker crossover from football to compete in the Winter Olympics. Do you think Spencer Lanning might be interested in curling?
12. I’m afraid to ask Tashaun Gipson for an autograph without wearing both a helmet and Kevlar vest. This concern is unfounded, correct?
13. How many lady supplies did you confiscate at FirstEnergy Stadium in 2013 because they weren’t in a clear plastic bag?
14. During the Jacksonville game this year, I purchased an Irish Coffee which was more expensive than my last trip to Ireland. Can you please explain this cost, or at least give me 3,446 Delta Frequent Flyer Miles instead of a souvenir coffee mug with my next beverage purchase?
15. Which is a riskier investment? The Facebook IPO *OR* buying the jersey of a Browns first round draft pick?
16. You guys should totally follow @FlyoverJoel on Twitter AND recommend him to your football friends. What do you think?