We’re all gonna do a lot of weird things while we are sheltering at home. It’s cool though because we are at home and not out giving my mom COVID-19 or anything. Today, I’m participating in the Mac ‘n’ Cheese Spiel under the guidance of the #CurlersWhoCook hashtag. Why do we have a hashtag that doesn’t include hash browns? Who knows? I don’t.

Now, I get that I don’t have an unused photojournalism degree from Columbia, so I can’t be a real recipe blogger, but here’s my attempt anyway. If I don’t win the Mac ‘n’ Cheese Spiel, it’s like I always say, “the first event is for suckers.”

Draw to the House Macaroni and Cheese

If you are anything like me, you’ve got a full-time job and are a full-time cat dad. Busy dudes like us just don’t have time to get off work, make a delicious meal for eight, stop at the liquor store for beer, and make it to the curling club in time for the six pm draw. Given all that, a good macaroni and cheese recipe is a real lifesaver! This one only takes three times as long to make as a box of Kraft Dinner and at just six times the price! With a little practice, even you can create a delicious meal for the whole rink in about 30 minutes. It’s better than a come-around draw with the third stone in the fourth end!

At the Frogtown Curling Club, we don’t have a kitchen, so it takes hours to microwave enough boiling water for eight boxes of Kraft Dinner. With this recipe, you can throw the microwave in the garbage (it’s step six) and instead bring a steaming pile of macaroni and cheese to the club in your crock pot. It’s a win-win – assuming you hit that draw to the button that you need to hit to win.

And do you know who hates macaroni and cheese? Communists, probably, because melted cheese tastes like freedom. “Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall and try this macaroni and cheese! It’s fabulous!” What I’m saying is that everyone loves a good mac and cheese meal and Communists haven’t historically been good at curling. Socialists are pretty alright at it though.

Even better than the timing is that you can turn this delicious carbohydrate bomb of a side-dish into a full meal just by adding a protein. We call it protein in the cooking biz because it doesn’t sound quite as violently graphic as flesh, but it is still more dramatic than just saying meat. You can also add vegetables if you are “healthy” or a “vegetarian.” You probably shouldn’t add fruit though because this isn’t the 1970s and it’s not a Jello mold. It’s still just macaroni and cheese and really hard to fuck up. Personally, I like to add spicy Italian meatballs (say it in your head, but quietly please) to give it a little oomph. Another good option is to add a package of Morningstar Farms Vegetarian Sausages (just eight, not the Costco-sized thirty-two pack). Just don’t tell anyone because you’ll have that one dude on your team revolt.

Is there a Vegan option? No – the recipe literally has Cheese in the name.

Ingredients

• 2 Beers
• 16 oz macaroni
• 4 tablespoons butter
• 4 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon salt (can it come from the sea like our ancestors? Yes!)
• ½ teaspoon garlic powder
• 2 cups milk
• ½ cup sour cream
• 4 cups cheddar cheese
• Meatballs to taste

Directions

Step 1: Crack open a beer
Open one 12-oz beer. Be careful not to spill any of it. Drink it from a frosty glass or its original container. People often ask me what beer goes best with this macaroni and cheese recipe and I respond with a resounding YES!

Step 2: Cook the macaroni
Before you cook the macaroni, be sure to lift your spectacles to read the instructions because you are getting old and refuse to purchase bifocals. If you are cooking for curling, it’s okay to undercook the pasta for a few minutes because it’ll finish up in the crock pot. If you are cooking for home consumption, still undercook it so it can soak up some cheese. Don’t forget to put a pinch of salt in the boiling water. Per science, it raises the temperature at which the water boils and makes the pasta taste better. How does this magic work? I don’t know, I’m not a scientist, but I trust what the experts say (stay at home order tip). While the water is coming up to a boil, enjoy your beer.

Step 3: Cook the meatballs
Follow the instructions on the bag of meatballs. Make sure to preheat the oven, because if you don’t preheat the oven, the meatballs won’t cook and you’ll be eating frozen bagged meatballs in your mac and cheese and that’s gross. Putting a pinch of salt in the oven while it preheats doesn’t seem to help.

Step 4: Make the roux
You can do this concurrently or after the pasta is done. Whatever you’d like. It’s your life and just because I don’t agree with the way you skip, it doesn’t mean I know anything about cooking. Anyway, roux sounds like something you’d eat at Mardi Gras (remember Mardi Gras, it happened decades or maybe hours before the Coronavirus?) or something the LSU Marching Band screams after playing a Dr. John medley, but it’s really just butter and flour.

Anyway, melt the butter in your pan. We’re fancy in our house and use a Le Creuset Dutch oven thingy (the technical name) to make our mac and cheese. Once the butter is melted, toss in the flour, garlic powder and salt. Whisk the bejesus out it until it’s one white blob and then let it cook for 60 seconds or 1:00 depending on if you have enough spare time to hit one more button on the timer.

Step 5: Toss in the rest of the stuff
After each of the following ingredients, whisk the sauce like you are sweeping a light rock over the hog line on a frosty night at Frogtown. Add the milk and whisk. HURRY HARD! Add the sour cream and whisk. YA GOTTA GO! YA GOTTA WHISK, BOYS!!! Let the sauce continue to cook and thicken while whisking every 10 to 15 seconds and then WHOA! RIGHT OFF! Also, keep the temperature low so the sauce doesn’t boil. If you boil it, apparently your cheese sauce gets too thick and everyone goes home sad.

Step 6: Throw out your microwave
Do you know how hard these things are to recycle? Just find a landfill and toss it in. If you can’t find a landfill, your neighbor’s garden will do just fine. The gnomes will use it and if you are cooking this macaroni and cheese, you don’t need a microwave anyway.

Step 7: Add the cheese
Okay, here’s where the controversy lives. A cheese controversy. A Cheestroversy. You can use store-bought shredded cheese but it has stuff in it that keeps it looking like shredded cheese in the bag and that’s what makes your macaroni and cheese gritty (not Gritty, but that’d be cool too). You are better off using a brick of cheese. Shredding it yourself makes it melt more evenly presumably saving you a few whisk strokes by exerting a lot more shredding strokes. Anyhow, you don’t have to shred it, but you probably don’t just want to put the block in and wait. As for types of cheese, sharper cheddar will give you better flavor. Normally, I’ll use Tillamook Extra Sharp White Cheddar, but today I’m going to add some Tillamook Medium Sharp Orange Cheddar so that it looks better in the photos.

**Note: The Tillamook Medium Cheddar turned out to be way too soft to self shred so we went with chunks. You are much better off with Tillamook’s Extra Sharp White Cheddar from Costco.**

Sorry for the tangent, but the cheese is important, and I wanted to test you to see if you read all the instructions before picking up the ingredients. After you’ve tossed in your cheese, cook it all on low, and whisk frequently until the cheese is melted and thick enough to broomstack a single spatula.

Step 8: Add the pasta and the sauce
Okay, here’s where we are going to turn your life upside down like a Saturday night Leaster at Four Seasons Curling Club during the Circus Bear event at The Big Spiel or like the actual upsidedown where a bunch of kids get us killed by some weird-ass spider monster. If you don’t understand the previous two sentences, you are missing out and need to sign up for The Big Spiel (always be on brand) or watch Netflix.

Are. You. Ready?
You have to pour the pasta on to the cheese sauce. Mind-blowing, I know! In all other cooking situations, the sauce is poured on the pasta or meat or vegetables but not this time. I mean, I suppose you could pour the sauce on the pasta but it’s probably in a colander (because I didn’t tell you to remove it) and the cheese sauce will just leak everywhere.

Step 9: Crack open your second beer
When your whole worldview is shattered like this, it’s best to take a second and enjoy a cold one.

Step 10: Mix the pasta and cheese sauce
As with everything in life, the sauce will thicken as it cools. Stir it until the cheese coats the pasta.

Step 11: Add the meatballs
How many meatballs should you add? I don’t know, I’m not your boss, man. Remember, if you fill the house with meatballs you can always take some out and/or other great curling puns.

Step 12: Eat or transfer to a crockpot
Transferring to a crock pot is easy. Just pour it in, set the crock pot to low and take it to the club. On the other hand, eating is a multi-step process used to determine if a foodstuff is a poison or not. Add some macaroni and cheese to a fork, either by stabbing it with the tines or by loading some on top of the tines. Insert the fork into your mouth while being careful not to poke yourself with the tines. Chew and swallow the macaroni and cheese. Repeat as often as necessary or until you fill the gaping dark hole where your heart used to be.

Step 13: Have another beer
Although not part of the recipe, have another beer. You’ve earned it! Good curling!

Step 14. Buy my book
If you made it this far, and enjoyed my cooking adventure, please consider buying a copy of Bare Bones Stones: A Welcome Guide to Curling. It’s cheap, it’s fun and it’s available on Amazon.